So Much More
Then you walked in, and it seemed as if
the room got a little bit brighter,
and their smiles got a little bit bigger,
and the laughter got a little bit louder.
It wasn’t much of a surprise.
You, being you, always seemed to be the star of the show. The person who, without, a party would be incomplete.
You were “the funny one”. Dubbed humorous, called fun.
To me, you were Ruby’s class clown, part of the barkada of the guys I liked, someone I barely knew but someone I shipped with Nikki.
Two years later, and you walk into the room again.
Without a doubt,
the room got a lot brighter.
Your eyes meet mine,
my smile gets a lot bigger.
You say something, and my laugh resonates across the hall.
Once, you told me, people are worlds that revolve around other worlds. Once, you told me, someone was your world, and she revolved around you the way worlds do.
To me, we, being worlds, are part of something vast. A universe, made up of different things.
Because if I am a world, then you are my sun.
You are warmth, and light, and guidance.
Warmth,
Because it always feels like home wherever you are. On the days when I feel like bitching, your smile and not-so-annoying-maybe-endearing “timba ka ba?” makes me feel warm and fuzzy, like I actually am home.
Light,
Because on the days when it feels like I’m about to give up, on the days when all I see is darkness, you serve as my light. You make my days brighter in ways I myself don’t understand, in ways only you can pull off.
Guidance,
Because on days when all I feel is lost, you serve as the anchor who stands ground and never lets me lose my way, despite the fact that sometimes, you can be a little lost too.
You were “the funny one”. Dubbed humorous, called fun.
You, being you, always seemed to be the star of the show.
In the world where being “the star of the show” is a generic term for the focus, the center of attention,
I guess you were never really just any star. After all,
The sun is a star.
And just like how I’ve always felt in awe because of our sun during my grade school science classes, I always feel in awe because of you.
I can’t comprehend how amazing it is to be friends with someone who is so unbelievably talented, and smart, and charismatic, and hard working.
After all,
You are not only “the funny one”, not only dubbed humorous, not just called fun. You are warmth, light, guidance, and so much more.
What Once Was
When you have finally gotten over the fear of leaving him, you will experience the greatest pain of all:
Heartbreak.
You will tell yourself over, and over, and over again that the only way you can solve things is to walk away. But once your voice falters, and you can no longer reassure yourself through unheard words, that is when it will all settle in.
Your mind will lose its voice. Your heart will keep talking when your only wish is for it to shut up.
Do you remember when you first kissed?
Do you remember when…?
Those “Do you remember”s will trigger the remorse and regret from your walking away.
You will wish you had not left him. You will miss him, when really,
It is not him you miss, but the warmth and the happiness he had once brought you.
Please remember that he does not bring you warmth nor happiness anymore.
S O S
What do you do when you’re in love with someone who refuses to stay?
Someone who screams promises at you, hoping to ease your pain, only making it worse by choosing to break these promises.
Someone who wraps his arms around your waist, hoping to trap the chaos inside you, only making you endure the pain to keep your chaos inside.
Someone who refuses to listen, hoping to avoid a fight, when all they did was make you wish you had a voice.
Someone who is blind.
What do you do when you’re in love with the chaos that pulls you down?
Recall
I am thankful
as you let me recall
how wonderful it felt like
to fall
Yet I’d forgotten that
with falling
comes breaking
and as you pushed me over,
and as I fell for you
I realized
you had no intention
of catching me.
So I saved myself,
hanging onto the memories of my sadness
to keep myself
from falling
because
I have never been afraid of heights
and neither have I been afraid of falling,
but I am afraid of crashing down
to the very bottom
and feeling the pain that comes with it.
Labels
Humans live their lives labeling everything. Primarily, we label things as it makes them easier to distinguish, easier to understand.
This is a chair. That is a doctor.
From the moment we are born to the moment we die, we are labeled. Once we are born, we are given a name. This is what we will be called. It is a label.
Everyday til we die we are seen as a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a son, a daughter. These are labels.
Every object, animal, or person we could possibly have a name for(meaning, most of everything) are labeled.
Despite all the benefits we get from labeling things, I do believe there must be a limit to the labels we can give.
Warning: Toxic.
Handle with care. Fragile.
Oftentimes we see these on the waxed paper sticker labels of chemicals, medicines, packages. Sometimes we hear these being used as adjectives– for humans like us.
Much like chemicals, medicines, and packages, we are define by the labels other people call us by. And much like these, our labels stick.
Humans live their lives labeling everything. Primarily, we label things as it makes them easier to distinguish, easier to understand. I do not believe this is always the case.
Kaya Mahal, Bitaw Na
”Alam kong marami kang gustong sabihin,” tawa mo, “kaya bilis, umaambon na.”
Hindi umaambon, sumbat ko. Ang aking mga luha, at ang iyo, ay hindi ambon.
Mahal, tama na. Sa napakatagal na panahong tayo ay magkasama, sa mga araw na tayo’y masaya’t tumatawa, sa mga araw na tayo’y magkaaway– ikaw ay laging nakangiti.
Ikaw ay masayahin, lagi nalang, lagi nalang. Kaya mahal, bitaw na. Dahil kahit anong mangyari ay ika’y nakangiti– at noong nalaman kong ako, ang nag-iisang taong dapat ang dinudulot sa iyo ay kasiyahan, ay pinaiyak ka– ang mundo ko’y nabasag.
Kaya mahal, bitaw na. Mahal kita at mahal mo ako ngunit hindi tayo magtutugma. Mahal kita at mahal mo ako ngunit ang pagmamahal ay hindi sapat.
“Alam kong marami kang gustong sabihin,” tawa mo, “kaya bilis, kasi umaambon na.”
Nginitian kita. Hindi ka sanay sa tulo ng mga luha mula sa iyong mga mata, kaya’t ito’y ambon sa iyong paningin.
(Non) Fiction
I am a journalist. Committed to the “pursuit of the untarnished truth,” as we call it.
Yet I have always found myself writing about fiction, during the wee hours when I’m not bound to the norms and the happenings of reality.
I am a journalist. I speak, I breathe, I write reality.
Yet when I write here, I weave words into patterns I can never do in journalism– I cross the line from non-fiction to fiction.
I guess that says a little bit about me. I guess the only escape I have from the harsh boundaries of reality, the boundaries I myself chose to write about, is the time when I can choose to write about fantasy– what I’d rather do, how I’d rather have it be.
I am a journalist, and although I must speak the reality of what has already happened, it does not mean I cannot write my own story.
Almost.
Almost.
Maybe you and I are meant for each other—but only as that—as an almost. You are only a pleasant discomfort to me, as paradoxical as that sounds. You tug, and tug, and tug on my heart, always threatening to steal it—never doing so.
“Have you fallen for him?”
It seems almost as if I have forgotten the words “Yes” and “No” and the only word I can choke out is “Almost.”
“Then who do you love?”
Your name sits on the tip of my tongue, but it is never spoken, never said. My heart refuses to speak it.
“You’re my favorite person to talk to,” you say, and that is what you are to me as well.
We both hang on the edges of a cliff, every moment threatening to let us fall for each other.
And yet, we never do.
You are my almost, and I am yours. Maybe it will always be that way. And maybe that is all we were ever meant to be: to each other, a maybe.
“Ang sabi nila,
Sa dulo, magiging tayo.”
Lahat ng mga boses sa loob ng aking isipa’y sumisigaw– hindi, hindi.
Tayo ay magkaibigan lamang, at dahil dito ay hindi tayo maaaring magibigan. Kahit ang pagibig ay nagdudulot ng saya, ito rin nama’y lungkot, galit, at katapusan.
Ikaw ang nagiisang tao sa buong mundo na kilalang kilala ako– ang aking mga hilig, ang aking mga kinaiinisan, at ang aking mga kahinaan.
Ikaw ang nagiisang taong inakala kong mananatili, sapagkat
pinili kong hindi ka mahalin. Ayokong ika’y mawala, sapagkat tayo ay magkaibigang noon ay parang walang katapusan.
Dahil sayo, nalaman kong pati ang pagiging magkaibigan, at hindi lamang ang pagibig,
ay lungkot, at galit, at katapusan.
paint through words 